Playing in the Sand: An Autism Blog #Autismblogs

By: Michael Melville

 

Since my son was diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) last fall my wife and  I and family have been learning all we can about the disorder even though at times it can be confusing and frustrating. I’ve talked before about how he started speech and occupational therapy last year which gave way to ABA therapy at an Autism School through a place in our hometown called Hope Network a few months ago.

In the months and weeks since he began school, we have watched him improve by leaps and bounds with what he is capable of. That boy who had trouble speaking is now saying words upon words and full sentences and asking for things he wants and telling us how he feels. That boy who didn’t know how to play with other kids and who bounced and shook with excitement now looks forward to playing with his friends at school. He now interacts with other kids albeit slowly, but he does and that is the point of him going to school for 5 hours a day 5 days a week at such a young age; so, he learns to do the things neurotypical kids his age can do. Little things that most parents take for granted; like saying “mom” or “dad”. Today he said, “Move dap pwease,” and I wanted to just lift him up and hug him forever despite him basically telling me to get out of his way. For him to put that kind of sentence structure together on his own is a huge step, a giant accomplishment, and proof all his hard work is helping.

That is the point of my wife and I doing everything possible to make sure he gets to and from school unless something major comes up. It’s the reason my wife packs his lunch, diapers, and extra clothes into his astronaut backpack every day and does his hair which he won’t let anyone cut yet. It’s the reason I changed my work schedule; so I can drop him off on my way to work because unlike some parents we don’t have help getting our kids to and from school every day. Occasionally we call in a grandparent but ultimately this is our responsibility and no one else’s.

 

One of the many things that I have read are posts on Facebook from other parents with kids who have autism. I see them lament about the whys, how’s and supposed cures as if their child is something less and an abomination. They postulate on what caused it and whether it happened in utero before their kid was born or after. Of course, I see the people who STILL, despite what the abundance of scientific proof says still believe that vaccines cause autism. Surprisingly there are many who won’t even acknowledge Autism is a real thing or that their child has it. I cannot help rolling my eyes. It’s not just their ideas that make me roll my eyes but the bigger picture that they are missing.

Once your kid (for whatever reason) develops autism; it’s done. There is no going back, no making it go away and the only thing you can do is work towards developing a better future for your child. There are countless tools, information, and organizations at a parent’s disposal; it’s not the end of the world. A wonderful, energetic child with Autism like my son does not have their life and future decided for them at the mere diagnosis of being on the Autism Spectrum. They are capable of so many amazing things and all they need is the chance and extra help to get there and achieve them. And that Is what bothers me about some parents of kids who have Autism.

They choose to place blame, make excuses and worry about what has already been done instead of moving forward with determination and bravery not just for themselves but more importantly for their child. They have this need to push their child back into the box they consider to be normal or typical when that is not possible and even irresponsible. Every kid with Autism is unique and I believe even more so than a neurotypical child is. If someone handed me a 100% for sure cure for my sons’ neurological disorder I cannot say that I would take it. His uniqueness, love, bravery, and spirit might partially be due to the disorder; but it might also be in spite of it. A cure would fundamentally change who my son is. It would change his growing sense of self and how he looks at the world around him and I love my son for who and how he is and have faith in a bright future for him despite his diagnosis. I know not every parent of a child on the spectrum will feel this way and that is okay.

Like I’ve said in a previous post it’s not about what you want as a parent or your preconceived notions of how your child should be but rather what’s best for your child with Autism now and in the future. I feel like that is the case for any child really. It’s not about how easy life is or what’s more convenient for you as a parent but instead what gives your child the best shot at a future where they are happy and even successful in their own way. When it comes to Autism, worrying about things like how it happened and why are better left to scientists and researchers, not angry parents online whose time would be better spent guiding their kids and increasing their opportunities for learning and fulfillment.

I understand it’s confusing and I get that it can be scary and stressful; we deal with it every day with Jax. Try thinking of it from the perspective of your child with autism though who has no idea what’s going on and probably could care less. They are happy in their own right and caught up in their youth and joy. Many of them don’t know they are different from some other kids their own age or why. When my son plays with other kids he doesn’t understand or notice why he is different, but he still finds joy in being around them. That is part of the reason I love his school so much. Every day that I walk in with him, I am surrounded by other parents and their kids of the same age who are also shaking, and crying, and spinning in circles, and barely talking and smiling and I am reminded that my son, myself and my wife are not in this alone.

The other day Jax was at a beautiful park here in West Michigan with my mom which has a lake for swimming and a nice beach. A little girl was there, a neurotypical child who was a little younger than my son is. She spoke as well as one would expect a near 4-year-old to speak and better than Jax does. She played with him and included him in her make-believe which is one of his favorite things. She didn’t care that my son is autistic and never asked about it despite him not saying a whole lot. But for a while, my son had a chance to make a new friend that accepted him exactly how he is and she didn’t care about his current limitations or why they existed. She just wanted him to play in the sand with her.

 

For the moment they were friends and that is something most adults should learn from.  It’s not about the how’s and whys but rather the possibilities and the little moments for kids on the spectrum. It’s those little moments that make all the difference in the world to the child and they should for the parents as well.